Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but Id like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I cant wait until the space creatures read this in the year 2577. Maybe they will e-mail me when they do, just so I feel like my previous sentence came with a purpose...

As far as my purpose, Id like to address the issue of valet parking this week because, quite frankly, I think its the worst system in the world. If I was still on that library kick, Id add that Dewey Decimal if that is his real name would be laughing in his grave. Now I understand that this is a fancy way to park because someone is doing the parking for you, and anytime someone does something for you, its automatically fancy. The same ideology is what makes room service more than just expensive food. I also know the argument that valet parking is a privilege, because instead of having to park your own car into a visibly tight spot, some random person will park your car into an area that you cant see because thats how special it is. Privileges aside, this worries me because if you took away the voluntary nature of the system, it would be considered grand theft auto...

Thats right valet parking is the one time when we are basically telling a stranger, Go ahead, steal my car. I trust that itll be here later. And sure, virtually 100% of the time it is. But what about that 0% of the time when your car just isnt there and that valet parker turns out to be a person who knows how to find the appropriate attire online? Furthermore, what is the guarantee that your stuff inside the car will still be there? This is a time period when the valet can do anything he wants with your car change the radio station, eat your food, kill your friend still sitting in the passenger seat so we need to think more carefully about why we continue to utilize this system...

Some would say that the system is faster, but oftentimes the self-parking area is right next to the valet. Others would add that valet allows someone else to hold your keys, and if that is supposed to be a good thing, then why dont we just hand in our wallets at the door as well? So, when it comes down to it, speed and convenience arent prominent enough to be used as valid evidence (I am really tackling the legal terms in this column)...

To prove the risk of valet parking further, I must question why we dont hire random house sitters. You know, just stop a passerby and ask him to stay at your house for three days while youre gone, and in return youll let him eat all the fish sticks from the freezer he wants even though you dont have a freezer and he can pet your dog twice. Or, since Im on the animal kick, why dont people who walk their dogs in a park just switch dogs temporarily with someone else? This is essentially what valet parking is, except that parking isnt a two-way trade. If it were a two-way system, I guess that would have to be called parallel parking, but Ill have to save that for a different column (note to self: please dont)...

Unless required by law or the front-seat passenger, I will continue to park my own car. I am not implying that I want valets to lose their jobs. Rather, I am just noting that I dont want them to do anything. I guess that would make them government officials...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

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